


Just Watching the Show (Over and Over Again)

by RDcantRead



Series: Keeping His Thoughts To Himself (He'd Be Leaving Soon) [6]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, John Needs A Hug, Panic Attacks, Sad John Deacon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 06:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21369844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RDcantRead/pseuds/RDcantRead
Summary: John's only comforts are vile words and despicable actions. He can’t handle the truth.His shield is his sword and his defence is offence.
Relationships: John Deacon & Roger Taylor
Series: Keeping His Thoughts To Himself (He'd Be Leaving Soon) [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1489121
Kudos: 24





	Just Watching the Show (Over and Over Again)

**Author's Note:**

> Title Taken from "Spread Your Wings" by Queen

John didn't think that he was so self-absorbed as not to notice something as serious as Roger's decline into suicide. John didn't think that if he knew he could have done something about it. He's just the bass player, and Roger was better friends with Brian and Freddie, not him. It makes sense. 

He was the last one to join the band, and the others had already established themselves as friends by then. Who was John to intrude?

John knows that even if he could do something about Roger’s declining mental health, he wouldn’t be successful; he’s not good at personal relationships, and all of his friendships eventually turn cold and unfeeling. He knows that Freddie would have been successful, Brian would have helped, but not him, never him.

They’re all plagued by issues anyway, Roger was just the first to fall victim to them. John suspects Brian to follow along any minute now. He doesn’t mean to be so viciously nasty to his friends, it just comes out cold and analytical. He can’t think through the clouded emotions plaguing him at night, and he can’t speak through the sharp-tongued wit felling his friends.

He wants to tell them he loves them. He wants to tell them he appreciates them, that they’re talented, that they’re loved, that they mean the world to him, that no matter what he says to them, he’ll always, _ always _love them. 

It just turns out that he never did. It just turns out the John _ can’t _control his own mouth. (The alcohol doesn’t help.)

John can see Brian’s spiral into grief and depression, and his mind isn’t sympathetic. It scoffs and rolls its eyes, telling Brian to get over himself. (_ But aren’t you doing the same _, another part of him whispers. He violently silences that part of himself, he doesn’t want to face himself.)

He can tell that Freddie’s keeping a smile on his face, that the fixed grin is for him and Brian. It’s not helping, but he takes comfort from Freddie. He takes and takes and takes until he’s taken all he can and he’s still not satisfied. He’s using his friends for his own personal conveniences. 

He suspects that if he looks back, he’ll see instances of doing the same to Roger. Back when he was alive. Back when he wasn’t so selfish as to kill himself. He can’t believe that Roger, one of the strongest, most stubborn-willed, bull-headed people he knows (knew) was such a coward. 

That little voice scoffs at Roger’s failure at life, _ see what happens when you’re weak, _and John begs it to shut up, but he can’t help but agree with it. It’s true. Roger was weak. Roger couldn’t handle life. 

He’s being so malicious, his thoughts filled with malevolence and spite, his words spitting and cutting. He can’t bear the cruel words spoken through his mouth, breaking him as they break others.

The negativity gets to him. His only comforts vile words and despicable actions. He can’t handle the truth. His shield is his sword and his defence is offence.

He can’t deal with the pity, so he makes them hate him, he can’t handle the sympathy, so he hurts them so bad they can’t sympathise. He can’t face the truth, so he constructs a lie.

His words are his dagger and his only means of defence. He can’t properly deal with Roger’s selfish decision, he can’t deal with not having said goodbye, so he shields himself behind a wall of self-delusion. He throws swords at the surrendered, he hurts those who mean to help. 

The overwhelmed reaction he has is unhealthy, he knows. He knows that putting others down does nothing to help, in fact, it just worsens everything. It amplifies the guilt that festers within John, it exacerbates the awful feelings he gets after every conversation. 

He gets panic attacks after talking to people.

Where they used to be confined to immediately before or after a performance, were emotions run high and tempers even higher; were the adrenaline kicks in and all you can do is wait until it passes, John now gets then much more frequently, and it's all _ awful. _

Veronica isn't coping well, John observes. She's not coping well, and the kids aren't coping well. She's withdrawn, and she's not dealing with the entire situation well. 

He can tell she detests him, hates who he's become, how he's treating others. He can tell she's sick of being the only one to comfort the children, how even though he's home he's not _ home. _ How even though he loves her, he doesn't show her.

He can tell that the kids miss their uncle Roger (he can tell that the kids miss him.) He doesn't want to hurt them, but he can't cope with seeing them and talking to them because he doesn't want to hurt them. To tear them down and ruin them, just like he ruins everyone.

He can't really seem to stop himself from hurting the ones he loves. He can’t seem to stop the ones he loves from hurting. He can’t stop Brian from sinking into his grief-fueled depression, he can’t stop Freddie’s denial of Roger’s suicide. (Freddie’s lost his _ best friend _, John often thought of them as soulmates.)

He can only protect himself, he can only defend himself. He can only throw out that shield, hoping that it’s disguised as the sword he wishes it was. He can’t handle anyone knowing how he’s coping, not even Freddie, not even Brian, not even Veronica. 

Roger was his best friend too. He loved Roger, he was somebody John trusted implicitly, he was someone that John wished didn’t feel like he did. 

He wishes that he meant as much to Roger as Roger meant to him. (There it is. That insecurity that plagued him all the time, every day.) He wishes that Roger sought him for comfort as John sought him. He wishes Roger trusted him to tell him that he wasn’t doing alright, that he wasn’t in the best place, that he wanted to kill himself.

He wishes that Roger felt he could talk to him. Because he could. No matter the cold facade John places upon himself, no matter the internal band arguments, no matter what’s going on Roger could always talk to him.

Just like John knows that he could have talked to anyone. (Somewhere deep inside, he knows that the same applies to him.)


End file.
